If you want to know how to improve your self control, you’re smart. With self control, you can shape your behavior and life into what you desire. Without it, you may tumble into a life you don’t really want.
The word “self-control,” however, is actually pretty bad advice if taken literally. When you see the word “control,” you might think of some sort of struggle and execution of power. Control freaks are those who want to exert their power over other people or certain situations. When you get something under control, it’s often done by a forceful action. For example, when a cup is wobbling and about to fall over, you control it by grabbing it quickly and forcing it upright.
I find the issue with self-control is that we assume the cup is wobbling and that we need to forcefully stop it. But what if the cup isn’t actually wobbling? What if the cup is already under control and any extreme attempt to stabilize it might make it worse?
You Don’t Gain Control by Going Out of Control
Berserkers were ancient warriors who were defined by their frenzied, out-of-control battle style. They were fearsome and strong, but because they were out of control, they were susceptible to keen strategy. For example, they didn’t even wear armor. Any army who tried to match their strength and fury would lose, but an army with good strategy and tactics could likely defeat them with ease.
Most people think of self-control as a struggle of great effort, emotion, and strength. This is not only ineffective, but detrimental to your ability to control yourself. The key to self-control isn’t exerting your power in a physical, sweat-induing way, it’s exerting strategy in a calm and calculated way. Why?
Because if the conscious and subconscious are at war, the subconscious is the berserker! The person who denies themselves cookies “no matter what” and tries to domineer over their subconscious desires declares war against it with high stakes, emotion, and increased stress. Who do you think that favors? The berserker. This sort of war turns the strategically-capable conscious mind into a berserker-only type of warrior, and it’s not nearly as strong as the subconscious. That means defeat in inevitable.
It’s when we’re most emotional and stressed out that we run to bad habits (which are comforting) and fail to control ourselves.
When we frenzy, we cave to our most primal desires. Thus, self-control is the opposite of what we might assume it to be. It’s not about strength and power, it’s about strategy and tactics. It’s about getting calmer when temptation strikes.
Observe, Accept, Relax, and Then React (In That Order)
As for how to improve your self control, you need to practice your response to temptation. The default response in the temptation process is usually a basket of emotions—fear, desire, stress, anger, sadness, happiness, excitement. Emotions favor the berserker. They weaken you, the weaker but smarter warrior.
A better response is to observe the thoughts and temptations you’re having, accept that they’re there, relax, and then consider your response.
How to Improve Your Self Control (Example)
- Observe: “I’m noticing a strong craving to eat a cookie right now.”
- Accept: “I recognize that cookies provide me a strong brain reward, that they taste good, that I want one, but also that eating cookies goes against my current goals.”
- Relax: “Before doing anything, I’m going to take some deep breaths and relax. I don’t want to overreact either way.”
- React: “I have several options to consider. I could eat some fruit, which has sugar and might satisfy me. I could eat [number of] cookies. I could wait until tonight. I could drink water and then see how I feel…”
The key to this process is lowering the stakes. The calmer you are and the lower the stakes, the more in control you are of the situation. Being in control is being collected and calm (think James Bond’s nonchalant demeanor with a gun to his head), but when we see the word “self-control,” it somehow gets distorted into an emotional willpower-centric mess that isn’t helpful.
Don’t be a berserker, be a strategist. Don’t worry when your self-control is challenged. Act calmly and you will win more often.
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